Who's the Real Todd?, Ch. 19

Samuel just looked at Ray. Ray couldn't begin to understand how close they had come to doing just that. He sensed Todd coming back. He closed his eyes and said. "Todd's returning, he's counting on you to find a way to prevent that Ray."

It suddenly came back to Ray, that Todd had spoken earlier about almost letting go. Just how close to dying had Todd come? If it had gotten that bad, it explained the tone he had heard in Blair's voice. He sat back and waited, trying to gather his thoughts. He had to find a way to help Todd deal with the new nightmares and memories. Once past those, he needed to work on getting Todd to start believing he really was worth something. Todd had never forgiven himself, after all these years, for the things he had done to Marty. Now that self-hate was finally killing him. If he and Blair and the rest of the people who loved Todd couldn't stop this downward spiral. They would lose him for good.

Samuel met Todd on his way back from his talk with Pete. From the expression on Todd's face, he knew Pete had been as hateful as always. Pete was the weakest link in Todd's armor. He had originally come out to protect Todd from the knowledge of his father's abuse but over the years Pete had become the carrier of all that tainted Todd. Pete had changed from a protector to an antagonist and although he had his moments of sanity when he remembered his role in Todd's life, Pete was the most unstable of them. Pete's instability was why Todd feared for Blair and the rest of them. Todd hadn't found a way yet to except Pete because he wanted nothing to do with that instability and cruelty. He never wanted to inflict it on others, like he had in the past. There was going to come a time when Todd would have to accept Pete and forgive him so that he, Todd, could be whole again. Samuel gave Todd a pat on the back and said."You've tried to make him see reason, we'll keep talking with him and try to get your point of view across."

Todd opened his eyes and breathed slowly. He had let himself get too agitated earlier and when Ray had given him an excuse to leave the room he had done it. "So, I'm afraid I was distracted, I was having it out with Pete about a disagreement we had earlier, I didn't keep track of your conversation with Samuel. Did you learn anything from Him?"

"I learned a number of things, but why don't you tell me what's been going on since you regained consciousness after the catatonia." Ray inquired.

"Well, let's see; I was poisoned, nearly died, recovered, was almost shot, went into shock and the remains of the poison attacked my body, almost died, recovered, had nightmares, thought I saw Blair dead in my arms, asked Blair to marry me, got a yes for an answer, found out my alters have been enjoying themselves out without my knowledge, had to imprison Pete to protect myself and others, yep I think that's it," Todd replied looking at Ray calmly like he had just read a grocery list.

Ray shook his head, this was the Todd he knew so well. In front of him sat the man who always had a quick comeback because he was always in defensive mode. It had taken him weeks to get through his defenses back in the day and it looked like Todd was beginning to put them back up again. "Don't do that Todd, talk to me. What do you really feel about the attempts on your life? They were obviously traumatic. There's no one here but you and me. You know me well enough now to know what you tell me stays between us. You called me, I want to help."

"How do you think I feel Ray, I woke up from a catatonic state only to have some unknown person poison me. No warning, no nothing, just someone wanting me dead. How would anyone feel?  I'm a target, I know, or think I know, who's behind it but so far knowing that hasn't stopped the attempts. What it has done is put the people I care about in harm's way. Now I'm living in fear for Blair, thinking I'm going to receive a call that something has happened to her. If I lose her, it's over Ray. There have just been too many losses. How much more do I have to pay to make up for my mistakes?"

"I don't know Todd, but you're going to have to find a way to give yourself a break. Everything that transpired after Mitch placed you in that Tomb did not happen because of anything you did. You're the victim, this time, Todd. You need to keep fighting to get back what was taken. One way to do that is to get back on track with life in general." Ray studied Todd's expression and decided Todd was at least listening. "Did you say you're getting married? I think that's an excellent way to get back on track. You and Blair are a good combination. A marriage can only make you stronger. I know you're worried that she might be harmed but Todd, you need her beside you and I think she needs you too. Go with it, Todd. Plan a wedding. You know how one moment can cost you years. I think you deserve a little happiness in the middle of all this. We're going to go into the nightmares and process them together.  If you can face them and the memories they bring up, you can rid yourself of the unhealthy fear you have that Blair is going to die."

Todd couldn't find any words as the strangest sensation rippled through his body. For the first time in his life, he realized he had a friend, a real friend. It wasn't the words that Ray had said that made him feel that way, it was the tone and the sincerity that had enveloped Todd as Ray had talked. Ray was truly worried about his welfare and wanted to help no matter what. He should have realized it sooner. When the doctors had been so set on stopping the fateful session in Cherryvale because of his heart, Ray had stood by him and let him continue, knowing that he was putting his own career in jeopardy if Todd died. Todd had never had a friend put himself on the line for him and it was humbling that Ray thought he was worth doing just that.

Ray looked over at Todd. he was being awfully quiet. "Todd are you alright. I'm sorry if I said something that bothered you. You have every right to be concerned for Blair but I just don't want you putting blame on yourself anymore. You are not a bad man. You are a man who's been through trial after trial and is still standing. I know about the things you've done and you're no saint but you aren't the devil either. You are just like all the rest of us. You have your wants and hopes and sometimes you've gone the wrong way trying to obtain those things. But no man deserves what you've been through and I'm proud that you have enough faith in me to let me help you."

Todd stood up and moved away before Ray could see the tears forming in his eyes. He had been looking for this his whole life. Someone, he could actually call a friend. With his back to Ray. he regained his composure. "You haven't upset me, Ray, you've given me something I never had. It's taken me all this time to realize it. You put yourself on the line for me at Cherryvale and I never acknowledged it. I guess I'm slow on the uptake. You're not here simply because I'm a patient." Todd turned around to look Ray in the eye. "you're here to help a friend."

Ray nodded knowing what a huge leap it was for Todd to acknowledge that he had been looking for a friend. He waited to see if Todd was ready to accept it.

At Ray's nod, Todd took a deep breath and simply said."Thank you, Ray."

Ray knew that Todd was feeling awkward so he decided to forge ahead. "Well, now that we have that figured out, how about we figure out what's going on with these nightmares. "

Todd gave a small smile and sat down. "How do we do that Ray? I can't take that dream much longer. I know a lot of people consider me crazy but that dream is going to really do it to me if I can't stop it."

"Let's start at the beginning. When did you first start having the nightmare?" asked Ray

"It was the night after the poisoning. After what my body had been through from the poisoning, I was hurting everywhere. I don't know if that triggered the nightmare or what. I remember walking through an unfamiliar hallway and most of the doors were locked, then I found one that wasn't. I was almost afraid to open it. I thought I was going to see Peter again. As I started to leave, a scream came from the room, so I went in and saw a man sitting in a wheelchair with his back to me, He was covered in bandages so I walked around to see if I could help. It was horrifying Ray. I can still see it, he had no face. He was screaming nonetheless. I reached to touch him and suddenly I was him looking up at my own face. Only now my whole body was in agony and I woke up still screaming. It took a few moments for the effects of the nightmare to loosen their grip on me, I remember holding on to Blair for dear life anything to keep me grounded to this world." Todd remembered so well the pain that had washed through his body during the nightmare and knew he had indeed been in that wheelchair. "The thing is Ray, it wasn't just a nightmare. I was in that wheelchair, in agony but I didn't remember it till recently."

"So your memories are coming at you in the nightmares. You might be right. Todd, you said you had another one. Do you want to tell me about it?" asked Ray.

The picture of Blair lying in his arms, so still and bleeding came rushing back, Todd gasped. His hands gripped the chair and the color drained from his face.

"Todd, what is it? Are you alright?" Ray sat up in alarm as he watched Todd. Something had just hit Todd hard. Whatever it was had a drastic effect on Todd as Ray noticed his reactions. "Todd, look at me," Ray commanded trying to break the hold of whatever Todd was seeing. He watched as Todd shut his eyes and shook his head, then Todd slumped back in the chair, and slowly his color returned. Ray relaxed a little bit the minute Todd had slumped in the chair. Whatever Todd had been seeing appeared to have gone away, he waited for Todd to meet his eyes.

“God, Ray, I can't escape that image! It was so real I would swear it happened." Todd reached up and shakily ran his hand through his hair trying to settle his nerves.

"Can you talk about it now? If it's that jarring then perhaps we should call it a day. I don't want you to overdo it. We have time Todd." Ray could tell Todd was still affected by whatever he had imagined. It was clearly time to steer away from any more talk of nightmares. "So you asked Blair to marry you. I surprised you haven't done so before now. She's quite a woman and I know your history with her has had its ups and downs. This is a good thing for you, Todd. Have you decided when you're going to make an honest woman of her again?"

Todd stared for a minute, unsure how Ray had gone from talking nightmares to weddings. Of course, Ray couldn't know the image Todd had just revisited. He had no idea that Todd had been thinking of Blair but not in the wedding sense. He held up his hand to stop Ray's chatter.

Ray paused realizing Todd wanted his attention.

"Before you say anything else I think you should hear my nightmare. I realize you were trying to change the subject just now. What you don't know is that the subject of the nightmare and the subject of the wedding are one and the same." Todd saw Ray's face change as he realized what Todd was telling him.

"My God Todd, I'm sorry," Ray said

Todd shook his head, "You didn't know. I can talk about it now, the shock of the image is fading. Several days ago, Samuel drew those pictures I showed you earlier. Later that evening I was testing my legs to see if I had the strength to stand on them. I found they would take my weight so I was taking small walks around my hospital room when I saw the sketchbook. I knew Samuel had been out for most of the morning so I decided to see if he had drawn some more nurses or something. No Nurses, instead I came across those pictures. I told you how uneasy they made me but then Blair arrived and one thing led to another and she ended up spending the night in my room."

Todd paused, trying to remain calm as his heart rate went up. " Here's where the night and the nightmare merged. I fell asleep with Blair in my arms and when I awoke it was early morning. I tried to wake Blair wanting to give her time to get dressed before a nurse came in, but she wouldn't wake and as I took my arm from beneath her I saw all the blood, I screamed for help and the nurse and doctor came in, but they weren't helping Blair and I told them to help my wife but they looked at me like I was nuts. Then the doctor told me there was no wife. There I was once again sitting in the chair and was all bandaged again only this time I was in a room with all this electronic machinery and I was begging the doctor to stop. He reached for this lever with his black hand and I felt the current or pain shoot through me. That's all I remember. Blair told me I screamed and appeared to be having some kind of seizure and they couldn't wake me at first. What I know is when I finally awoke I had this terrifying feeling that it was only beginning. Blair thought I had projected the picture into my nightmare but that's not it Ray. The man in the picture is very real and I'm waiting for confirmation from Manning that he's the same doctor treating him. Samuel and I talked and we're sure that he's the person behind my amnesia. But you can understand why I'm afraid to go back to sleep. The only reason I made it through last night was because my body was totally exhausted just with making the trip home from the hospital but I'm more rested now and I'm concerned about tonight."

He continued as Ray waited for more of his story. "You started talking about the wedding.   Blair heard my nightmare and realized I called her my wife and she told me, she was there, I only had to ask.  In a weak moment, I asked, because I'm desperate to keep her close. She's convinced that if we wed as Blair Cramer and Samuel Toddman, Carlo will feel he's safe and might make a mistake. I'm terrified that the nightmare is going to come true, but like you said. I need her, I can't do this alone anymore." Todd finished and looked at his friend. He wasn't sure what he thought Ray could say that would make everything alright. He just knew he needed some hope to cling to at this stage.

Now Ray understood why Todd was worried. Just the memory of the nightmare had sent Todd reeling. If anything were to happen to Blair at this juncture Todd would never recover. Ray realized Todd had to finish making his way through these nightmares but it was up to Ray to find a way to keep Blair out of them. He just didn't know if that was even possible. "God Todd, no wonder you're a wreck. We've got to address those three months but it sounds like we need to find a way for you to separate your fear for Blair before we do anything else. These last few months have been filled with all sorts of revelations for you. The one constant for you has been the connection you and Blair reforged. Why do you feel you're going to lose that?"

Todd wasn't sure how to answer that, he said, "You know me, Ray, when have I ever been able to hold on to a relationship. I couldn't sustain a relationship with Rebecca, I just ended up scaring her away. I ruined several marriages with Blair because of my stupidity and insecurities. Even my marriage to Tea ended in disaster because I couldn't admit my DID and I couldn't open up to her emotionally. I told you in prison I was cursed and afterward, finding out who's son I really was, didn't negate that belief, it strengthened it. I'm a carbon copy of my fathers and I hate myself. Yet for some reason, there are people around here who do love me and I love them dearly. Still, it never seems to fail but my problems always cause hurt and I don't want to hurt them anymore. Because of my past sins, they've all been through the wringer. Am I being fair to them to pull them back into all this once again."

"I don't know Todd but I think you have to let them make that decision. I know Blair doesn't want to be with anybody but you. It's obvious she needs you as much as you say you need her. Stop fighting it. She's a grown woman and she knows exactly what you're facing right now. She doesn't want to be sidelined. Blair knows that you're stronger with her by your side. It's time to have little belief in the love these people are giving you. It's there and it's real. I saw the truth of that in Cherryvale. You survived that ordeal because of the strength you got from Vicki and Blair. Once you accept that, you'll be able to allow yourself some leeway. You need to find some positives to start dwelling on and let the doom and gloom scenarios go. You do need to acknowledge that you are depressed. It's wearing at you. That depression can be helped and I know you don't want help chemically but consider the alternative. The next catatonic state might be the last one. You would survive but it wouldn't be much of an existence and those you love would be sorely hurt because there would be nothing they could do to help. Tell me you're hearing this. Todd, you're my friend, I don't want to see you become a vegetable any more than Blair or Vicki. I've always admired your determination to survive and win at all costs. Don't stop now."

"You think I want this hanging over me. I'm fighting every day to overcome it, but my body is fighting me and I'm not sure what will win out. Will my body hold up long enough for me to win? God, I pray for that every moment, but everywhere I turn lately something else happens to knock me back." Todd heard the desperation in his voice and stood up and began pacing again. Stop it you idiot, enough with the running down. You're Todd Manning start acting like it. he mentally kicked himself and turned back to Ray. "You know what. I'm done with this pity party. I'm Todd Manning, I've beaten Death many times over. To heck with my Fathers. This is my life and it's high time I started living it again. You're right Ray, I have a wedding to plan and I need a Best man. How about it, Ray?" Todd grinned.

Ray sat dumbfounded at the transformation that had just taken place. The man was forever a chameleon. Something had happened and Todd was back to being master of his fate. As Todd's question finally registered, he found himself smiling in return. "You bet Todd, I'd be honored."