Who's the Real Todd?, Ch. 18

Shortly after Blair left, Todd got his laptop and began looking at the stories being posted by the Sun's reporters. He found the one flagged by Kelly as private and it took him just a couple minutes to get access to it. As soon as he saw the headline he knew Kelly was continuing to research the Kipling facility against his express wishes. Damn, he thought he had gotten through to her how dangerous this whole situation had gotten. He took a moment to read the article and had to admit the reporter was doing a good job but at this point, Todd didn't need another death on his conscience. He sent an email to Kelly telling her to pull the reporter or he was fired. It was harsh but the story would have to wait. He closed down the laptop and leaned back in his chair. He could hear Starr and Hope doing things upstairs and figured it was as good a time as any to talk to the guys.

"Samuel?...Where are you guys?" he found himself back in his mind walking down the corridor again but this time, all the doors were opened and none of the guys seemed to be around. It was eerie, he had never known it to be so quiet. It was beginning to freak him out. Suddenly another door appeared in front of him. It was that damn door from the facility. Just as he reached for the door, another hand grabbed his. "Don't Todd!" he looked at Samuel feeling a sense of relief to see him. "Where have you been?"

Samuel had barely managed to get to Todd before he opened the door. He too felt relieved but for different reasons. The memories behind that door were things that had been causing Todd nightmares. Todd's anxiety was already at an all-time high with the latest dilemma concerning his alters getting out at will, the last thing he needed was to reopen the rest of the memories about his stay in the facility. "Come with me, we've found Ms. Perkins and Pete." Todd followed Samuel and heard arguing going on ahead of them. He found himself in the corridor to the solitary confinement cells but his hallway only led to one cell and standing guard over a very angry Pete was Ms. Perkins.

She looked with relief at Todd and said: "This is your doing, you need to correct it." Todd was bewildered until Ms. Perkins stepped aside and revealed that the cell door had no lock. It appeared that Ms. Perkins had used one of her stockings to jury rig a means to keep Pete within the cell. She had tied one end to the cell doorknob and the other to the light above her head on the wall. It was effectively keeping Pete in but it wouldn't last long, in fact, the other stocking was already shredded on the floor. There were obviously other pairs also torn up scattered on the floor. Ms. Perkins looked fit to be tied and it was clear that Tom and Rodd were doing everything in their power to keep from laughing. She glared at the boys and said "I do not find this funny in the least. I have spent the better part of the last few days when you've been asleep Todd trying to keep Pete here. You gave these rooms to the boys, but you must do something about this one."

Todd had looked at Samuel and had almost started laughing when Ms. Perkins's words hit home. She was right. He had been remiss wanting only to give the guys a little something to make them comfortable. but there was no way around the fact that until he figured out how to shut the outlet, Pete would have to stay contained. He looked at Pete and could feel the rage Pete was emanating,

"Don't you dare. I can still make your life miserable, I thought we had come to an understanding." Pete yelled and began shaking the door.

Todd knew that he had no choice. He looked deep into his memory and envisioned the cell doors at Statesville. Pete screamed in rage as suddenly a lock appeared and the key panel was well away from Pete. "Pete this is for all of us. I'm sorry." he turned and walked away cringing as he heard the curses coming from Pete. If Pete did escape he was going to make Todd pay.

Todd slowly opened his eyes and remained deep in thought.  He had a feeling that containing Pete was only one problem temporarily solved. He pulled the laptop back and sent another email to Kelly, "I changed my mind. Tell the reporter I'll let him stay but I want all updates sent to me. That facility has become my number one target for the time being. I'll get back to you. Samuel" closing the computer he went upstairs to spend some time with Hope and Starr until Ray's arrival.

****

The penthouse was quiet, unnervingly so. Starr had taken Hope for a visit with Manning and planned to spend time in the park with her. Todd moved to the Studio looking at the unfinished portrait of Vicki that Samuel had started. He hadn't talked with Vicki since the morning after his intense session with Ray at Cherryvale. So much had happened, after that morning. He had heard that Vicki was still trying to get Jessica some help and she had dissolved her marriage. He hadn't even seen Jessica and he wished he could help her but it didn't look like they were going to have that chance as yet. Todd strolled over to the windows and look out across the city. He and Blair had had it made so many years ago. But circumstances and his own insecurities had damaged so much. He might have been freed from the prison, but his life following the release had been anything but okay. He still felt cursed. Would the troubles ever end, and would it be this time around that he and Blair finally found some real happiness.

The doorbell rang and Todd let Ray in. "So Todd how have you been. Blair called and said you have some issues you want to discuss. I'm here what can I do to help." Todd invited him to sit and was trying to think of where to start when Ray said. "I am concerned about your recent catatonic state and now I hear you're having terrible nightmares again. Why don't we start with what happened a few nights ago when you left us for some time. What happened Todd? Why did you withdraw?"

"Not one to waste time are you, Ray, go straight for the jugular," Todd replied ruefully. "Alright let's talk about that night. Ray, truthfully, I'm tired. I've reached the end of my rope and I'm having trouble holding on. It's been hard facing everything that took place while I've been gone. I've met the man who's been me all these years, and I know he's not to blame for taking my life but I'm fighting myself because I want some kind of revenge against him and I can't have it.”

Todd started to wander.  It was an old habit but one he had never been able to get rid of.  He always felt a little like he was under a microscope when he was in a therapy session.  He turned toward Ray.  “That day I met a daughter I didn't even know I had, who basically told me at the time, she wasn't interested in getting to know me. Then I went and finally told my son, my real identity, and got rebuffed by him too. Oh, he said he could accept me as a friend, but I could see in his eyes, he would never think of me as his father. I stood there that night seeing the futility of it all and then I saw pity in Blair's eyes and it was the final straw. I remember walking out to the car and everything came crashing down on me. I saw that all the hopes and dreams I'd had to make a better life for my family, had only ended up in a crumpled mess.”

Todd walked back over to the chair and dropped into it.  “My daughter is an unwed mother, my son is showing signs of being as much a sociopath as Peter, and I'm to blame. I know I wasn't here but He was and he was supposed to be me.  He lived his life based on my memories and actions. Blair told me years ago I needed to leave so our kids could have a normal life, I was so hurt when she kicked me out of their lives but now I see she was right." Todd looked down at his hands and started rubbing his palms. He was lost in thought about the man he had become because of Peter.

Ray looked on, studying the man in front of him. The doctors were right, Todd was very depressed. Ray had seen Todd at certain lows in his life and he knew that Todd was at a very bad place right now. Blair had been right when she said she thought Todd had given up that night. The man sitting opposite him right now was on a precipice. Ray saw something else and wondered if Todd was aware of it. "Todd, I can see you believe things are futile right now but you're forgetting something. As futile as you feel everything is, you came back to us that night. What was it? What made you return, even in the face of all this?"

"Jealousy. I wanted to stay hidden, to forget in peaceful darkness but Blair and Samuel wouldn't let me. They both told me in uncertain terms they would be happy with each other and I could stay gone and something deep inside said Hell No. There was no way I was giving up Blair again.  It's kind of a laugh.  I was jealous of myself." replied Todd with a slight laugh.

"I think it was deeper than jealousy Todd, you couldn't let the other half of your soul suffer. Deep down you knew how you were hurting Blair once again and you couldn't do it anymore. I've watched you two together and if there is such a thing as soulmates, you two are it. I am concerned about where all this depression is coming from and I think it's weighing you down because of your health and the close calls you've been having. I also believe you fear you have brought danger to those you love once again. I'm right, aren't I? You're ready to pack it in because you're trying to save your family." said Ray. "You know this, don't you? So you're here trying to be strong for them because they told you they didn't want you to go. Am I close?"

Todd nodded, "The other night, I was this close to letting the whole thing go. My body was shutting down and it seemed so easy to just drift off but my daughter pleaded with me to fight. She said she needed me to be here and not leave again. I knew I had to try for her and Hope and Blair. I'm here, Ray, but it's a struggle. There have been two attempts on my life recently and I do fear that I've put them smack dab in the middle of this fight with Carlo. On top of everything else, I've started having these nightmares that have recently been ending with something horrifying happening to Blair. I'm afraid to go to sleep. It's just like when I was haunted by Peter only now I'm seeing the deaths of those I love." his voice cracked as the painful images resurfaced in his mind.

"Todd, I'll help all I can. You can get through this and we'll find the way to rid you of these nightmares. I sensing there is something about the nightmares you aren't telling me. What is it Todd?" asked Ray

"The nightmares are rooted in reality, Ray. Part of my nightmares are memories that have only begun to surface and they seem to have to do with the missing three months," replied Todd seriously.

Ray saw the fear in Todd's eyes. Whatever had happened during that three month period was just another riddle they were going to have to overcome. Always before, Todd had suppressed his memories but there was something in Todd's tone that told Ray, this time, was different. "I was under the impression that you were too injured to remember anything of those lost three months. Why do you think these nightmares are laced with memories?"

"Because the same scene has been playing out in my head night and day recently. Samuel drew a picture the other day and when I saw it I got this sickening feeling deep inside that I should burn the thing rather than continue to look at it. It was as if someone had stuck a knife in my gut and twisted it. I was afraid, Ray. Something about the man in the sketch terrified me. I still can't look at it again." Todd paused and reached for the Sketchbook lying closed next to him.

He handed it to Ray and said. " I wanted Manning to look at it because something tells me the picture is connected to the facility I was in. If Manning recognizes him then we'll have another piece to the puzzle. Samuel has been remembering things too, since the night he drew the picture and he and I both figured out one thing. I wasn't as out of it those first three months as we thought. It seems Samuel and I were trading places like I used to do with Tom, at least for a little while. I think this afternoon I might have found the door in my memory that contains those three months. Samuel stopped me today from looking and I think he's got an even better idea than I what is behind that door. I know I need to look Ray, but I was grateful Samuel stopped me. My health and heart are both teetering and I promised the Doctor and Blair I would recuperate but I'm afraid to sleep. It's not just the nightmares that make me want to stay awake, another problem has occurred that is equally disturbing."

Ray opened the sketchbook and noticed it contained only two sketches one was an ornate door and the other of a man behind a desk. Ray had to admit there was something sinister about the man behind the desk. "Who do you think this man is Todd?"

Todd closed his eyes for a moment then answered. "I believe he's the man who ripped my memories from me. I know that sounds melodramatic but that's the best description I can come up with right now."

"You mentioned another problem. What else has been happening?"

"Ray, for the first time since I was younger, I'm experiencing moments of lost time. I realized it several days ago. I was in Manning's Office at the Sun and then I found myself here with Blair. Samuel had come out to help Blair and they brought me home but I don't remember any of it. Ever since I found out about my alters and began trading places at will, I was always able to join them and keep on top of what they were doing when they were out. The two exceptions to that were the DID fiasco years ago and the recent loss of eight years. But these recent time losses baffle me."

Todd couldn't sit still any longer and he stood up and started pacing again. "On top of that, I found out this morning that my alters have been making appearances while I've been resting. Both Tom and Rodd have appeared and interacted with Starr and Hope and I had no idea.  Why is this happening now, Ray? Now on top of Nightmares and bad memories threatening my sanity, I find myself fearful that my Alters, especially Pete have found a way to get out without my knowledge."

As he watched Todd pace, Ray digested everything Todd was saying. His friend had a reason to fear. Everything was beginning to point to a complete mental break if all of Todd's fears continued to pile up. It was essential he and Todd find a way to diffuse some of the fear. The question was, where to start. The first thing right now was to get Todd calmer. "Todd, do you have any coffee in this place, I think we should take a moment and just find a way to relax."

Todd stopped pacing and grinned ruefully. "Yeah, you might be right. There's some coffee in the kitchen, I'll get us some." Todd headed for the kitchen and Ray pulled out his cell phone. He called Dr. Levin and gave him an update and discussed a meeting time for all three of them. He was just finishing the call when Todd came back with the coffee. At Todd's puzzled look Ray explained. "I'm a little out of my depth, Todd and since Dr. Levin is familiar with your DID I felt maybe we could consult him for the current problem involving your Alters. We need to attack these problems one at a time and we need to do it quickly. I worried about you, my friend." he took a cup of coffee from Todd and waited to see what response Todd was going to give him.

"Don't apologize for wanting to help Todd, I agree this is a problem that does need addressing." Samuel sat down and sipped his coffee. At Ray's startled look, he smiled. "Relax Ray, he knows I'm here. He wanted to check up on Pete and asked me to entertain you for a few minutes."

It was something Ray didn't think he would ever get used to. Todd's ability to switch personalities at will was fascinating and a case for psychiatric journals everywhere. Ray decided to take advantage of the moment and reached for the sketchbook. "Ok Samuel as long as we have this time, what can you tell me about this picture?"

Samuel looked at the picture and visibly paled but he answered. "That is the Doctor who was/is the head of the project that caused Todd's long withdrawal and took memories from both of us. We're being inundated with those memories. They're horrific and it's like we're inside a science fiction novel except that what is happening to us isn't fiction. it's very real." Samuel took a gulp of his coffee and nearly choked as he tried to regain his composure.

"You're telling me that you and Todd were part of some experiment. Why hasn't Todd mentioned this before?" asked Ray.

"Well we were trying to get to the root of his anger and the circumstances concerning this seemed secondary to that. I think, like always, Todd has his problems compartmentalized and once he got past Peter, he opened up the next problem. It never occurred to him what a can of worms he opened. Now those worms are eating us alive if you'll pardon the metaphor." answered Samuel.

Ray sat back stunned, he had heard a lot of horrific details in his years as a rape therapist but the things that his friend Todd had been through in his life far surpassed anything he had heard before. Now to find out that Todd was experimented on after his ordeal in the tomb was unbelievable. When would he get a break? Stronger men than Todd would have already broken under the load. Yet he was still hanging on by his fingertips "My God Samuel, you're a blooming miracle. I've been sitting here worried that you're going to break down any minute and now I realize that isn't an option for you. You, Todd, and all the rest would die first."